Chalk it up to principles

I think I have a shit list. When people test my principles, I make a mental note that I carry around. This practice doesn’t seem healthy, but at this moment, I don’t care. Something happened recently that will change the way I feel about someone forever. I may not show that my feelings have changed right now, but I am confident that a time will come when I will have had enough and I will either tell that person where to go, or I will be extremely passive aggressive towards them (fightin’ words, I know). That doesn’t sound healthy either, but as I said before, I don’t care. I think that I am more disappointed than anything in the fact that this person changed my perception of them. I was happy with the way I felt about this person. I wasn’t in love with this person, but things were amicable. I think about the shit list thing like a mental chalkboard with tally marks after people’s names. I am only willing to tolerate so much before I snap. The snap may be as simple as never doing a favor for this person again. I wouldn’t classify this as a grudge, it is more of a “wrong me once, shame on you; wrong me twice, shame on me.” I guess that I am just not going to be as willing to let this person have an opportunity to frustrate me again, which basically means that the relationship has been reduced to room temperature.

Regrets

I was thinking about my regrets today, and most of them stem from my mom’s death. What I regret most of all are the things that I never asked her about. I never asked her what she saw herself doing in her life when she was my age. I never asked her what it was like to find out that she was pregnant for the first time. I never asked her if she was nervous about having children. I feel sad that there are so many questions that I don’t have answers to. I wish that I knew what my mom’s dreams were for my sister and I. I wish I knew the places she wanted to go in her life. i think that more than anything, I regret not asking her if she was scared to die. I wonder about all of these things because no one can really answer for her. Sometimes I get angry at myself for not asking her all of these things, but then I think that maybe we both would have felt even worse if I had. I guess I will never know the answer to that, and lots of other things.

Sock Drawer

I opened my sock drawer today and noticed that there are more small precious objects there than socks. It occurred to me that my mom and grandma do the same thing. We are three women in the same family that stash little artifacts in our sock drawers. I can remember my grandma producing jewelry and perfume from smaller drawers near the top of her dresser, and I can also picture my mom storing checkbooks in hers. Why do we all do this strange, quirky little thing, and why did I just notice today that we all do it? This tells me that the women in our lives have an incredible impact on us. I do some strange things that originated with my dad, but most of those can be explained logically. The behaviors that I share with my mother and grandmother are not so easily explained. Oh, and I keep jewelry, small bars of soap that smell good, and old notes in my drawer.

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