I guess the other part of this is that I am not looking forward to the holidays without my mom. Maybe I am just not ready to think about Christmas, and what it will be like without her around. I never could have imagined Christmas without the center of our family, but I have to. I am in a total daze about what to do this year – should I host everything, should I leave it to someone else, will I feel like celebrating with family? I don’t want to think about it, but I realize that I will have to. I have such mixed feelings about the whole thing.